Laugh For The Day . . .

A  senior  citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. “Amazing, ” he thought as he flew down the highway, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a  State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this! “and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding–a reason I’ve never before heard — I’ll let you go.”

The old gentleman then said: “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a  State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.

“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the trooper.

In Defense of Blondes . . .

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, a woman next to him says, “Cowboy, before you tell that joke, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde gal with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

“Now, think about it seriously, cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, “No, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

The memorial service for the cowboy will be held next Tuesday.

From the Internet!

Education from the Internet . . . and a little bit more!

Catholic Dictionary:

Amen – The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

Holy Water – A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

Hymn – A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.

Justice – When kids have kids of their own.

Ushers – The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.

Procession – The ceremonial procession at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar boys, the celebrant and late parishioners looking for seats.

Recessional – The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass – led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked, “Doesn’t it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?” Bobby said, “Yes, God did it and He did it left handed.” This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him, “What makes you say God did this with His left hand?” “Well,” said Bobby, “We learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God’s right hand!”