“Everywhere I go I’m asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don’t stifle enough of them. There’s many a best-seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.”
— Flannery O’Connor
“There it was, hidden in alphabetical order.”
— Rita Holt
“History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.”
— Abba Eban
“Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.”
— Robert Benchley
The History Exam
When you think your children have learned nothing, check out these real exam bloopers.
Possession by spirits means feeling like the devil.
A seminary is a place where they bury the dead.
Yom Kippur was a general in the Japanese Army.
The result of the Reformation was that people could choose to be either Catholics or Pugilists
The less said about Nero, the better.
Before a man could become a monk, he had to have his tonsils cut.
Buddha is worshiped chiefly in Buddha Pest.
The names of the three wise men are Winken, Blinken and Nod.
False doctrine means giving poeple the wrong medicine.
The Crusades was a movement to drive the turkeys out of Europe.
A martyr is something like a bachelor.
A millennium is like a centennial, only it has more legs.
Education from the Internet . . . and a little bit more!
Catholic Dictionary:
Amen – The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
Holy Water – A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
Hymn – A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.
Justice – When kids have kids of their own.
Ushers – The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.
Procession – The ceremonial procession at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar boys, the celebrant and late parishioners looking for seats.
Recessional – The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass – led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked, “Doesn’t it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?” Bobby said, “Yes, God did it and He did it left handed.” This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him, “What makes you say God did this with His left hand?” “Well,” said Bobby, “We learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God’s right hand!”
Southern cops have a way with words These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:
1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”
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2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”
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3. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.” (My Favorite)
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4. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
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5. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.” (LOVE IT)
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6. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”
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7. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”
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8. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
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9. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
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10. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”
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11. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
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12. “In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.” ( National Crime Information Center )
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13. “Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”
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14. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
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15. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”
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AND THE WINNER IS….
16. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”
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“…A “Liberal Paradise” would be a place where everybody
has guaranteed employment,
free comprehensive healthcare,
free education,
free food,
free housing,
free clothing,
free utilities,
and only Law Enforcement has guns.
And believe it or not, such a place does indeed exist …
It’s called prison.”
A house is a house is a house – until love comes through the door. And love intuitively goes around sprinkling that special brand of angel dust that transforms a house into a very special home for very special people: your family.
Money of course, can build a charming house, but only love can furnish it with a feeling of home.
Duty can pack an adequate sack lunch but love controls it and cares enough to say no and take the guff that comes with it.
Obligation sends children to bed on time but love tucks the covers in around their necks and passes out kisses and hugs (even to teenagers).
Obligation can cook a meal, but love embellishes the table with a potted ivy trailing around slender candles.
Duty writes many letters, but love tucks a joke or a picture or a fresh stick of gum inside.
Compulsion keeps a sparkling house, but love and prayer stand a better chance of producing a happy family.
Duty gets offended quickly if it isn’t appreciated, but love learns to laugh a lot and to work for the sheer joy of doing it.
Obligation can pour a glass of milk but quite often love will add a little chocolate
Proof of the existence of God.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yJ7-v7xVm3I …
Judge NOT!
I was shocked, confused,
bewildered as I entered Heaven’s door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
by the lights or its decor.
But it was the folks in Heaven
who made me sputter and gasp–
the thieves, the liars, the sinners,
the alcoholics, the trash.
There stood the kid from seventh grade
who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbor
who never said anything nice.
Herb, who I always thought
was rotting away in hell,
was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
looking incredibly well.
I nudged Jesus, “What’s the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How’d all these sinners get up here?
God must’ve made a mistake.
And why’s everyone so quiet,
so somber? Give me a clue.”
“Hush, child,” said He. “They’re all in shock.
No one thought they’d see you.”
Crazy Quilts, Catholics & Cookies 