Funny Once Upon a Time . . . These Days?

[9-1-1]: Anytown 9-1-1. What is your emergency?

[Caller]: OMG, help! Two men broke into our house and shot my little girl!

[9-1-1]: What is it that you want us to do?

[Caller]: Send the police! One of them is pointing the gun at my husband right now and said he’s going to shoot him, too! OMG, hurry! Please hurry!

[9-1-1]: Sorry, we no longer solve problems with violence. The patrol division was disbanded.

[Caller]: That’s ridiculous!

[9-1-1]: No, it actually made a lot of sense. Most of the department quit because they were afraid of being sued or prosecuted for shooting back. We were down to 10 officers, not enough to fill a shift.

[Caller]: Can’t you do anything???

[9-1-1]: Of course I can! Can you give us a description of the intruders for the detective bureau? We still have a few of them working.

[Caller]: Well, one guy is white and the other guy is —

[9-1-1]: STOP! We can’t accept descriptions that contain references to sex, gender, race, ethnicity, national origin, age, or disabilities. It leads to stereotyping and profiling, which is bad.

[Caller]: Then how do you know who to look for?

[9-1-1]: We’re on a proactive enforcement model now. Our focus is on prevention and intervention, not accusation and punishment. Oh, and it’s required in the Justice Department’s consent decree.

[Caller]: Then how do you catch the criminals committing murder in my house???

[9-1-1]: Well, first off, they haven’t been convicted of anything yet, so it’s rather judgmental of you to call them “criminals.” Could you ask them for their names and addresses?

[Caller]: I’m hiding from them, you moron!

[9-1-1]: Please refrain from using terms like “moron.” That word is exclusionary and hurtful, and I’d have to report you to our Equality and Dignity Compliance Division. That’s in the consent decree, too.

[Caller]: Then what am I supposed to do?

[9-1-1]: We suggest complete submission. Maybe you’ll get lucky. <bang!> Then again, maybe you won’t.

[Caller]: That’s it? Surrender to murderous thugs and hope for the best? That’s crazy!

[9-1-1]: Hey, now. “Crazy” is another one of those words. I really don’t want to have to report you.

[Caller]: So there’s nothing you can do for me?

[9-1-1]: Well, if it were up to me, I’d suggest prayer, but I wouldn’t want to risk offending you by imposing my religious beliefs.

[Caller]: OMG, I give up.

[9-1-1]: Yes, I know. Most of us have. Thank you for calling Anytown 9-1-1. Have a nice day.